Rewriting Your Story

 What Do the Thoughts in Your Head Tell You? If you were to explain what type of person you were, what would you say? Would you focus on your appearance? How would you describe your personality? What would you list off as your accomplishments?

The way we think of ourselves in private creates a perspective that can be hard to shake when it comes to taking advantage of opportunities, taking risks, and ultimately, reaching our goals. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others Many of us gain insecurities by comparing ourselves to other people. In reality, the closer you are to something, the more flaws you can see. Even the most “perfect” celebrity is still just a regular person with doubts, fears, and things that they dislike about themselves. Don’t Compare Your Behind the Scenes to Someone's Else Highlight Reel With all the social media we’re exposed to these days, it’s easy to assume that our lives are dull and insignificant compared to what we see as we scroll through someone else’s highlight reel. Keep in mind that what might look like the BEST vacation ever definitely came with some anxiety, some letdowns, and disappointments - we just don’t see them on our Newsfeed. Everyone Owns Their Own Timeline Do you sometimes feel as though you’re falling behind? When we see your friends and family getting engaged, graduating with a degree, traveling, buying homes, getting a dream job, and achieving their goals, it can seem as though we’re not doing “enough.” Do Your Mistakes Keep You Up at Night? Every one of us has made mistakes in our lives, but we don’t all interpret them the same way. The way we think about our “mistakes” is all about perspective. Instead of thinking about mistakes as something you ‘failed’ at, consider whether it could have been a blessing in disguise. Can you think of a “mistake” or “failure” you experienced that ended up leading you to something great?

Shame Vs. Guilt Have you ever considered the difference between shame and guilt? Guilt can be a positive thing, which motivates us to move toward better behavior - for example, apologizing for breaking a glass at a friend’s home. Shame, however, is a paralyzing global assessment of oneself as a person. Shame can form the lens through which all self-evaluation is viewed.

Another way to think about the difference between guilt and shame is being told (or thinking) that we DID something bad, versus being told (or thinking) that we ARE something bad.

Where Does Shame Came From Shame can arise from all sorts of experiences but is usually cultivated by the belittlement of our efforts, achievements, or ideas. These may be conveyed in repeated statements such as: “Why are you doing it that way?” “What were you thinking?” “Why can’t you be more like ____?” Shame can also come from traumas such as physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as well as neglect, especially during childhood. Think about it, when the adults in your life who are supposed to know ‘best’ tell you that you’re wrong, you’ll likely internalize that feeling for a long time.

Bring Shame to the Light The less we talk about our shame, the more power it has over our lives. If we cultivate awareness about shame and name it for what it is, we can cut it off and lessen its power over us. Moving beyond shame means acknowledging and sharing our experiences with the trusted people in our lives, the people who know that we aren’t perfect but love us anyway. Their empathy will allow us to feel a sense of perspective and come up with strategies for dealing with it. Here’s a quote from shame and vulnerability researcher and author Dr. Berne Brown: “When we bury the story, we forever stay the subject of that story. If we own the story, we get to narrate the ending.”

Reframe the Shame Next time you start feeling down on yourself, think about the vocabulary you’re using to describe your feelings. When you feel “bad” about something, do you really feel “guilty,” “embarrassed,” or “humiliated?” While all of these feelings are uncomfortable, they don’t take aim at our self-worth the same way that shame does. When you slip and fall, you’re embarrassed - but you know that everyone slips and falls, it’s not a failure on your part as a person. Taking the time to analyze what you’re feeling and why will help you untangle your demons and step down a more constructive path as you move forward.

Slide 13 Who You Were Does Not Define Who You Are The past is really truly in the past - and when we leave it there, we become more open to acceptance. It’s hard to let go of the past because we feel as though it’s a big part of who we currently are. Remind yourself that every decision you made in the past was done to the best of your ability with the tools and mindset that you had at the time. Everything you’ve learned from those experiences has shaped you into the person you are today. Who you are today is a more capable, better educated, more understanding person than you were before, all because you’ve experienced more life.

Realize That You have a Relationship with Your Life Your life is a companion with whom you have a long-term relationship. Every relationship has its ups and downs, its lulls, and action scenes. Thinking this way helps you picture your life as a whole, rather than a simple series of events. When you think of your life as something you have a relationship with, it’s easier to adjust your attitude to create what you want out of it. You’ll discover that when you change the way you think about your life, you’ll be able to play a more proactive role in it.

Slide 15 Nurture That Relationship Any relationship is capable of falling into disconnection and conflict when not nurtured. When problems are ignored or when you start going into autopilot mode for too long, you need to step back and gain some perspective. Think about where you are in life and ask yourself how you’re feeling. Are there problems that keep you from moving forward and feeling fulfilled? By reflecting on the relationship regularly and making adjustments accordingly, you will learn that it’s not as difficult as you might think to change tracks and head in a new direction.

You are Your Life’s Narrator Your life’s narrative is shaped by your own perceptions, which are created from your belief system. In other words, your reality is based entirely on the way you think about things. Right now, you’re creating your own reality based on the stories you tell yourself and the way you interpret the world around you. Is this something that you’ve acknowledged before?

Know Your Triggers Next time you’re feeling especially down, or find yourself spiraling, try and figure out where that negativity stemmed from. Was there something that you saw on TV? Was something said? What was the subject matter? Did it have to do with parents? Friends? Childhood? Do your best to connect the dots - this will help you identify your triggers, or what makes you feel especially emotional. Do you know what your triggers are? Can you name them out loud? If you’d like, share them in the comment section.

Interrupt the Negative Loop When you feel triggered, have a plan to interrupt the downward spiral. Many people turn to things like alcohol, drugs, or other unhealthy distractions to help them deal with the pain, but there are better ways to redirect your thoughts. Right now, what do you do to help combat negative thoughts?

Try A Mantra Push back against the negative thought with a positive statement, aka a mantra. For example: If you’re feeling unloved, repeat the phrase, “I am enough, and I’m worthy of love.”

If you’re feeling ashamed of something, try, “the past is in the past, and I am capable of writing the next chapter however I see fit.”

If you’re feeling lost, repeat the words, “I trust my intuition, things come easily to me.” There are millions of mantras out there, and you can even make your own - just be sure that all the words you use are positive, so don’t use words like, ‘can't,’ ‘shouldn’t’ or ‘don’t.’ Does anyone here already use a mantra?

Try Some Selfcare Self-care refers to the focus on one’s own physical, mental, and spiritual well-being and happiness. Self-care might mean taking yourself for a walk in the park if you find yourself staring out the window, cooking a nutritious meal for yourself, or planning a night out with friends. In order to properly participate in self-care, you must learn how to listen to your body and be in tune with what it wants. If you’re feeling depressed, understand that your body is probably telling you to switch things up and change the way you’ve been treating it. When you’re feeling achy, that’s your cue to take a few minutes to stretch or maybe do some yoga. If you’re feeling tired for no reason, get out and move - give your body a reason to be tired!

Practice Makes Perfect With practice, you’ll become more adept at seeing your triggers, uncovering why they hurt you and moving beyond letting in the negative thoughts that accompany them. Over time you’ll start implementing more self-care into your routine, readjusting the way you see the world in a more positive light, and seeing the lessons in the “mistakes” you make.

You Always Have a Choice A set of twins can have the same exact childhood trauma growing up, but end up on two entirely different paths. One could get mixed up in drugs, become homeless, and find themselves in toxic relationships while the other goes to college, finds love, and has a successful career. When asked how they ended up where they are today, they’ll have the same answer, “After everything I’ve been through, how could I have turned out any other way?” The moral of this story is that you always have a choice in how you interpret events, circumstances, and interactions with others. You can choose to look for what’s wrong or focus on what’s right.

Take These Tools and Go Forward I hope that you learned something valuable. I also want to add how proud I am of each of you for taking the steps toward rewriting your story and moving toward a better future version of yourself.