Cultivating Empathy

 

How do you define empathy? Let’s take a look at a few different definitions. According to the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, empathy has different meanings to different types of researchers. “Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.” Contemporary researchers often differentiate between two types of empathy known as affective empathy and cognitive empathy.

- “Affective empathy refers to the sensations and feelings we get in response to others’ emotions; this can include mirroring what that person is feeling, or just feeling stressed when we detect another’s fear or anxiety.” - “Cognitive empathy refers to our ability to identify and understand other peoples’ emotions.” To put it simply, empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, to feel what they are feeling.

The Root of Empathy Empathy appears to be deeply rooted in our brains and evolutionary history. It is believed that we developed the capacity for empathy as a survival method—first, the need to be sensitive to the needs of offspring to continue the species. Second, survival also has been dependent upon the cooperation of other healthy, capable individuals. Therefore caring for others is just another form of fulfilling self-interest. Decades of psychological research reports empathy is so powerful it overrides every rule about how to treat others. You will notice that most of us rely more on what we feel than what we think when solving moral dilemmas. While ethical rules tell us when and how to apply our empathic tendencies, the tendencies themselves have been in existence since before the creation of such practices.

Is Empathy Purely a Human Experience? The answer to this may surprise you; however, pet lovers will undoubtedly agree that their furry family members do show tendencies towards empathy. And they’re right! Research has revealed over the last several decades increasing evidence of empathy in other species. During a study on human development, it was unintentionally discovered that pets would react to a distressed owner. Research psychologist, Carolyn Zahn-Waxler, went to the homes of families instructing people to pretend to sob, cry, or choke to understand how young children would respond emotionally. In the process, she discovered pets were as worried as the children, hovering nearby and put their heads in their owners’ laps. Another study involving rhesus monkeys reported, “monkeys refused to pull a chain that delivered food to themselves if doing so gave a shock to a companion... primates were literally starving themselves to avoid shocking another animal.”

Forms of Empathy Psychologists have defined three distinct types of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate empathy.

Cognitive empathy This form of empathy is also referred to as perspective-taking because it is the ability to see someone else’s perspective by putting yourself into someone else’s place. Therefore, cognitive empathy is done through thought, not feeling. Emotional empathy This is the form most people are familiar with, which is the ability quite literally to feel the other person’s emotions. Emotional empathy allows us to understand and relate to others’ emotions. This type of empathy is common among caring professions such as nurses and caregivers. Compassionate empathy This form of empathy is both feeling someone else’s pain and resulting in taking action to help. People who want or need your empathy typically don’t just need you to understand or just to feel their pain. Instead, they need you to sympathize with what they are going through and help them to take action to resolve the problem.

Empathetic Inspiration Here are a few of my favorite quotes about empathy. “Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant with the weak and wrong. Sometime in your life, you will have been all of these.” – Gautama Buddha

“Learning to stand in somebody else’s shoes, to see through their eyes, that’s how peace begins. And it’s up to you to make that happen. Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world.” – Barack Obama “Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.” – Albert Einstein

The Importance of Empathy The key aspect of empathy is that it allows us to empathize or to feel what others are feeling. But what does this skill do for us? Imagine talking to a friend about something you’re experiencing. Usually, that friend will have some level of understanding of what you’re feeling. However, imagine if they had no way of imagining or feeling the situation you were describing to them. If this happened frequently, you probably wouldn’t remain friends! Empathy allows us to connect with others. Without it, we couldn’t respond appropriately to situations. Empathy is also strongly connected to social behavior.

Here are some important aspects of empathy we take for granted. Empathy allows us to: - treat the people the way they wish to be treated - better understand the needs of people around us - understand unspoken communication - deal with interpersonal conflict - perceive the world through different perspectives

The Need for Empathetic Children Let’s talk a moment about empathy and children. Bullying issues have increased over the years and can be linked to a lack of empathy. This lack of empathy is not necessarily the child’s fault. The environments we are brought up in, home and the classroom, can either provide an environment that condemns diversity or supports it. When children experience they are not important, not heard, understood, or accepted for who they truly are, they become disconnected and learn the opposite of empathy. Bullies are often victims, and they try to make others feel small and insignificant, as they themselves have been made to feel. We live in a world where different is normal. Experiencing differences of ethnicity, religion, culture, gender, identity, and disability is a daily occurrence for most of us. Teaching children being different is not a negative thing, and should be embraced, is a big part of helping them develop empathy. Children learn empathy through sharing feelings with others and understanding others’ perspectives and experiences of the world. Now that we understand the importance of developing empathy at a young age, let’s talk about how to promote empathy in children.

Cultivating Empathy in Children Creating an inclusive environment is key to helping children develop empathy. We can help through several techniques. Modeling how to value feelings by showing empathy towards children and others. Children learn by modeling our behavior. If they see us acting empathetic towards others and feel us being empathetic towards them, they can mimic this behavior. Children sometimes need help identifying and expressing what they are feeling, and we can help them label their emotions. Connecting feelings to behaviors is vital so that children can understand cause and effect. This can be done through stories, play-acting, asking questions, and connecting scenarios with the child's own experiences. Engage with children in activities that require working together. This will encourage children to be empathetic and understand others. Learning through the act of doing is helpful for children when developing empathy.

Cultivating Your Own Empathy To develop more profound empathy skills, let’s take a moment to understand what empathy is NOT. As we know, empathy is the experience of understanding another person’s thoughts and feelings. This can often be confused with sympathy or compassion. Sympathy is the feeling of care and concern accompanied by a wish to see them better off. Sympathy, unlike empathy, does not involve a shared perspective. However, facial expressions of sympathy can convey caring and concern, and they do not express shared distress. Compassion is more involved than empathy and is associated with an active desire to alleviate suffering.

While the three traits relate, each is distinct:

Sympathy- I care about your pain.

Empathy- I feel your pain.

Compassion- I want to take your pain away.

In order to cultivate empathy, there are two key characteristics we will focus on- active listening and self-awareness.

Sharpen Your Active Listening Skills Active listening is a communication technique requiring full concentration, understanding, and response from the listener. Active listening helps cognitive connection, thereby can be utilized as a technique to boost empathy.

Here are six strategies for cultivating empathy through active listening skills: - practice non-judgment - ask the right questions - use body language - validate emotions - finding comfort in silence - paraphrase

Warning Judgement Free Zone Creating an environment that is free of judgement is the first step to actively understanding a person’s situation. Judgement creates a barrier and prevents connection. Simple techniques for being less judgemental include:

Awareness. We need awareness to observe and identify thoughts. Once we are aware of thoughts, we can identify when our thoughts are judgemental and stop such thoughts. Understanding. When we catch ourselves being judgmental, we can redirect our thoughts to try to be more understanding and imagine what someone else has gone through. Acceptance. Once we have an understanding of what someone else has been through, we can begin to accept people without trying to change them. After all, the only thing we truly have control over in this world is our own abilities.

Love follows acceptance. Loving others has a two-fold effect on both your happiness and the recipients.

Framing Your Questions Appropriately The next step in cultivating empathy through active listening is to ask questions without coming off as being judgmental. Asking someone ‘why’ can come off as judgmental and make others feel defensive. Instead, use open-ended questions. Open-ended questions require a more thoughtful response than merely answering ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Rather than asking ‘why’ rephrase questions as “What,” “How,” “When,” or “Where.” For example, instead of asking, “why don’t you go see a doctor?” the question can be phrased as, “have you thought about seeing a doctor?”

Communication is less about WHAT is being said and more about HOW it is being said.

The Intricacies of Body Language Reading body language is an essential aspect of empathy. Gestures such as eye contact are useful for letting others know you are listening and engaged with what they are sharing. Body language makes up nearly 50% of communication. Because body language is usually a subconscious reaction, it tells us more about what a person is saying then the words they are speaking, making body language the most reliable indicator of what other people are really thinking and feeling, despite what they might be saying. Not only can you use body language to convey your empathy, but you can also read body language to know how and when to be empathetic. To convey empathy through body language, maintain eye contact! This assures the person speaking to you that your focus is on them. Turning your body in their direction also shows your interest in what they are saying. Nodding is a small gesture to show you are listening without interrupting with verbal cues. You can also mirror the speaker’s body language to show what they are saying is relevant and important. Do you practice all these measures when you’re speaking with someone?

Validating Other’s Emotions We all seek validation, but emotional validation is particularly important when it comes to expressing empathy. Acknowledging a person’s emotions lets them know that their thoughts and feelings are real. Start by listening and responding in simple terms, for example, say things like “Okay,” “Uh-huh,” and “I see” to convey you are hearing what someone is telling you. It’s essential to put aside your own discomfort when someone you care about is opening up and sharing something that may be difficult or unpleasant. Focus entirely on being there for them with gentle physical contact such as hand-holding and back rubbing, maintaining eye contact, or simply telling them, “I’m here.” You can help validate what someone is feeling by saying something like, “I imagine you’re feeling pretty hurt.” When appropriate, you can recall a similar experience to show you really do understand their emotions. You can normalize their reaction by saying something like, “I think most people in that situation would feel that way.”

Find Comfort in Silence Silence can be uncomfortable, but it’s a valuable tool that can be used in cultivating empathy. Silence can create space for the person to think when in a situation that is difficult to talk. Silence is the best policy when experiencing awkward tension. Silence will help you avoid filling space with distractions or making off-topic remarks. Practice getting comfortable with silence if it is something you currently avoid. Allow yourself some time to explore the use of silence in conversations, as well as understanding how you feel about it.

Paraphrase the Situation Paraphrasing is a great way to let someone know you are following along with what they are saying. Restate their emotions or ask clarifying questions to signal you are listening. Summarizing their story at the end of the conversation can help a person feel “heard” and appreciated. Try this example: “So what I’m hearing is that you felt ____ because ________ happened. Is that correct?” Having an empathetic conversation can’t be rushed. Therefore, practicing active listening skills can easily be a skill that you carry in your empathy care kit.

Self Awareness 101 It shouldn’t come to much of a surprise that self-awareness is a significant component of empathy. Understanding our own emotions help provide us a window into someone else’s. Two different studies questioned participants about their emotional self-awareness and their empathy. The results for both groups were the same: The more self-awareness students demonstrated, the higher their cognitive empathy. According to one of the researchers, “Emotional clarity and cognitive empathy may be associated because both constructs involve identifying and describing emotional experiences—of oneself for emotional clarity and of others for cognitive empathy.” So the question becomes, do you know how self-aware you are? Let’s take a look at a few methods for improving self-awareness to help you cultivate empathy.

Increasing Self Awareness Increasing self-awareness is key to cultivating empathy skills. To increase your own self-awareness, try the following strategies: 1. Look at yourself objectively. 2. Keep a journal. 3. Write down your goals, plans, and priorities. 4. Perform daily self-reflection. 5. Practice meditation and other mindfulness habits. 6. Take personality and psychometric tests. 7. Ask trusted friends to describe you. 8. Ask for feedback at work.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid Avoid correcting someone’s thoughts, and avoid phrases like “That’s not worth getting angry about.” This can come off as negating their feelings. Avoid providing unsolicited advice. Most of the time, people are just looking to be heard. Listen carefully to what is being said before offering advice. If you’re unsure, it’s okay to ask if they are looking for your opinion or just needing to vent. Say something like, “would you like my advice?” Avoid making comparisons when trying to validate someone’s feelings. You can’t always offer validation in the form of personal experience because you may not have experienced what the person is going through. However, you can still provide validation by acknowledging what you are hearing. Avoid blaming someone for the feelings they are experiencing. Statements such as, “you’re overreacting” can come off as you telling someone their feelings are not valid. Avoid trying to ‘fix’ how they are feeling. Wanting a loved one to stop hurting is normal, but not allowing them to process their emotions won’t help them feel better.

Time to Wrap it Up! I know I went over a ton of information! The main point to take away is empathy is more than sympathy; it involves feeling what someone else is experiencing. You can cultivate more profound empathy skills through active listening and improving your self-awareness. Empathy is something children can learn through participating in inclusive environments, gaining acceptance and appreciation of diversity, and experiencing empathy from loved ones.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this post. Empathy is something we all can use more of. Imagine how much better our world could be if everyone practiced empathy regularly!

If you have any further questions, please email me at susan@susanlopresti.com

I am always here to support you!!!

Susan